Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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