I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
