I want you more than these girls want KFC
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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