please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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