Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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