I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
