I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
