Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
