I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
