I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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