She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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