I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize