it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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