He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
