Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
