My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Dignity is for republicans.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
