mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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