Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
