He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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