her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
