dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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