Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
