there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
