every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
She needs sedatives and a leash
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
