you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
