I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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