either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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