I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
