I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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