You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
