I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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