you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
