11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
