apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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