My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I need water and some morals
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
