your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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