Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
