Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Randomize
