I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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