He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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