ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize