And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize