I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
