it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
