Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize