I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
We were destined to go to rehab together
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
