I wanna passion pit in your ass
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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