I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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