no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
