some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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