Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
My bed smells like the plague
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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