i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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