we have pet lesbian snakes
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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