I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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