Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Randomize