I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
