WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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