Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
