We named our party play list daddy issues
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
